


Two People Talking... Jack O'Neill and Neal Caffrey

by Sally M (sallymn)



Series: Two People Talking... [25]
Category: Stargate SG-1, White Collar
Genre: Crossover, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-16
Updated: 2020-08-16
Packaged: 2021-03-06 06:26:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 971
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25928860
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sallymn/pseuds/Sally%20M
Summary: Stargate Command have a need for a con man...
Series: Two People Talking... [25]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/53327
Kudos: 12





	Two People Talking... Jack O'Neill and Neal Caffrey

**Two People Talking...**

"You _cannot_ be serious." 

"Hey, I wasn't the one who said he could con absolutely anyone if he put his mind to it." The Colonel rocked back on his heels, looking - for all the weight on his shoulders - pretty smug. "So prove it, Caffrey." 

"Remind me when that included volunteering to be seen in public with what looks like an explosion in a 1980s Christmas kitsch store on my head?" 

"Height of fashion where we're goin'." 

Neal sighed plaintively. "Then it is very clear that humans are the only race with what could be called taste in the entire galaxy. _Some_ humans," he added, casting a jaundiced eye over O'Neill's ill-fitting jeans and yellow windbreaker. "Don't you have a linguist of two who could pretend to be - what did your PR inexpert call them? - The Evil Enslaver of the Galaxy - for a day?" 

"Only one, the rest either couldn't act to save their _own_ lives or couldn't stop laughing. And _he's_ the one you know, which is I thought why you agreed to help us buy him back." O'Neill frowned. "For a heck of a price." 

"Yes," and for a wonder he didn't flinch when his voice suddenly deepened and echoed around the room, and O'Neill didn't flinch when his eyes - presumably - glowed, "and it would have been rather more had I known you intended to use torture." 

"We don't, we're the good guys. And quit playing with the neck-thingy, you're supposed to make it change your voice and eyes to look all Gou'ald yes, but someone or some _thing_ will notice." 

"Torture on me." Shuddering, Neal let his voice drop to normal and picked up the - for want of a better phrase - headdress. Two foot high, covered with ersatz-Egyptian decoration in overshiny gilt chips, and with an enormous plume of feathers - that had clearly never come off any bird on _this_ planet - in sixteen shades of eye-wateringly garish green. And six giant emeralds - which would have been barely worth his while in agreeing to all this had they been real, but which with his expert eye he knew full well they weren't - dotted down the front. 

It looked like the Eiffel Tower on crack. 

He couldn't pull this off. 

"You saying you can't pull it off?" 

"Of course not." Professional pride kicked in. "If anyone can make even the most ridiculous con work, it's me. And that's not vanity -" 

"Yeah, right." 

"That's a fact." Neal shuddered again, and placed the monstrosity carefully on his head. "I just don't see why you can't choose an evil alien god with a modicum - or even a morsel - of taste. They can't _all_ be as vulgar and ghastly as..." 

"Yep, they can and yep, most of 'em are." 

"Most?" 

"Okay, you've got a choice of two - the other is wearing what looks to _me_ like an entire nest of giant feathery snakes on his head and, well, nothing else." 

Neal blinked, cocked his head and pretended to think about it. 

"Okay, except the jewelry and no, you don't wanna know where that goes, and yes, it's feathery-snake-shaped too. They're alien _parasites_ , Caffrey, they don't care about what we think is fashionable." Jack scrunched up his face. "Look, I know it's a bad plan, but it's the only one we've got." 

Neal picked up the metal ribbon that needed to go on his hand. "And this does -" 

"Pretty much fuck-all without you having naquada in your blood, and you don't, and -" 

"And while I normally agree to each and every step in preparing, that is one step too far." 

"Yeah." The look on O'Neill's face said that he knew something Neal didn't - and didn't want to - about the step in question. "So just try to look superior and threatening enough to not have to _be_ superior and threatening, okay? Great and Powerful, that's the thing we're aiming for. And say _kree_ a lot." 

Neal blinked. "I don't recall that being one of the phrases the linguists gave me to learn..." 

"Well they should have." 

"What does it mean?" 

"No idea," O'Neill waved a hand, "but Gou'ald use it a _lot_ when I'm around, that's all I know." 

Neal thought about that. "So it's probably -" 

"Daniel said not." 

"I must ask Daniel after I buy him." 

"After _we_ buy him. You just follow the Tok'ra's - the _good_ snakey alien's - lead, pretend to be Great and Powerful without having to do anything to _prove_ you're Great and Powerful." 

"Because I can't, I know." 

"- And let us and the Tok'ra do the actual hard bargaining, okay? We're only letting you get involved because one, you're the best there is at conning your way out of pretty much anything; two, you were _there_ when Daniel got himself into this mess he _needs_ us to get him out of - by buying him, for cryin' out loud - _and_ you've read the book about this Gou'ald his kidnappers tell us they've heard of, even though Daniel was the one who _invented_ it, and... 

"Okay three, none of our own geeks can pull it off, let alone with a straight face." 

"Which," Neal let the necklet operate, and this time didn't flinch when his voice went.... Gou'ald again, "will not be easy." 

"Heck of a price, remember. Just say _kree,_ don't mention munchkins, flying monkeys or the yellow brick road, and remember who you are. Who Daniel - and you can tell him exactly what a dumb idea inventing it in the first place was _later_ \- has told his captors would be coming to buy him, just so we'd get the message and recognize the frickin' name as a fake. 

"You won't be in Kansas, you own the Emerald City, and... and yeah, whether you like it or not, you're gonna have to be the Great and Powerful Oz." 

**\- the end -**

  


**Author's Note:**

> (Written for a dialogue challenge)


End file.
